Monthly Archives: June 2022

Dealing with Loneliness – Try These Tips

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By African American Books Author Denise Turney

person sitting on wooden planks across the lake dealing with loneliness
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Despite medical advances, people have been dealing with loneliness for centuries. Not only has loneliness been experienced across history, reasons that you could feel lonely cover a wide range. For example, you could feel lonely because of changes in your brain, social isolation, genetics, your diet, workplace culture, things you keep repeating to yourself, stressors, light shifts and seasonal changes. Fortunately, there’s a way out. First, more about loneliness and its impact.

Experiencing Loneliness

Loneliness could be experienced in combination with other emotional or mental issues like depression, PTSDs and seasonal affective disorder. The one fact that’s associated with loneliness is that it feels painful. Depending on how you’re using thought, you could be tempted to convince yourself that you’ll always feel lonely. However, you don’t have to feel lonely.

One factor that’s different about today’s loneliness is how many people live alone. Yet, living alone doesn’t always cause you to feel lonely. Out World In Data shares that, “Despite the popularity of the claim, there is surprisingly no empirical support for the fact that loneliness is increasing, let alone spreading at epidemic rates.”1

Another thing to note is that you do not have to stay lonely, if you feel that way now. In fact, there are actions that you could take to reduce and eliminate loneliness. But, first it’s important to note that loneliness is a “state of mind.” As Very Well Mind shares, “People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it more difficult to form connections with other people.”2

Tips for Dealing with Loneliness

Also, “Researchers suggest that loneliness is associated with social isolation, poor social skills, introversion, and depression.” Keep in mind that, “Loneliness, according to many experts, is not necessarily about being alone. Instead, if you feel alone and isolated, then that is how loneliness plays into your state of mind.”2

Here are actions that you could take to free yourself of loneliness:

  • Strike up a conversation with a neighbor or colleague
  • Volunteer for community, social or work projects that cause you to connect more fully with others
  • Realize that loneliness is not a permanent condition and that millions of people have experienced it
  • Accept that loneliness is an indication that you may need to make a change (and that you can make that rewarding change)
  • Be willing to be uncomfortable during the early stages of a healthy friendship
  • Schedule a social event or a lunch or dinner with a friend or relative and keep the date
  • Talk with people you trust
  • Seek professional help if you feel stuck in loneliness
  • Focus on your good traits
  • Take time to rest and relax to avoid feeling overwhelmed which could shift into loneliness
  • Take advantage of opportunities to connect with people in-person

Develop Rewarding Connections When Dealing with Loneliness

Despite what you might read in the media, there may not be solid evidence that loneliness is at epidemic levels. Additionally, there might not be strong evidence that loneliness is even increasing. To begin, humans have not been surveyed about loneliness since the start of time.

What research has shown is that you can reduce or stay free of loneliness if you nurture healthy relationships. Also, by avoiding the temptation to isolate yourself, you could build and maintain deep connections. The importance of developing and maintaining rewarding and loving human connections cannot be overstressed.

Longer life on this earth, lower blood pressure, improved overall health and less stress are just a few of the benefits associated with having deep, authentic human relationships. Nurturing healthy relationships could also strengthen your immune system, reduce physical pain and give you a sense of purpose.

Step-by-Step Healing

Howbeit, healthy relationships don’t generally just happen. As with a physical fitness, financial or mental health goal, you have to work at good relationships. As an example, you could call friends once a week or you could visit a relative once or twice a month.

Attending family get-togethers, hosting holiday events and supporting family, friends and neighbors during times when they could benefit from support are ways to nurture healthy relationships. So too is actively listening when people talk with you. Simply making the time to be with and really listen to people goes a long way.

Regarding being there for a friend, I’ll never forget when a friend drove more than 50 miles to be with me after a loved one transitioned. Little did either of us know it, but less than four years later, a situation would arise that would find my friend benefitting from more support. I was there for her. These “I’ll be there for you” choices strengthen relationships.

Move Beyond Erroneous Beliefs

Replace “being there with someone” with excuses and you could weaken a relationship. Therefore, staying free of loneliness is about more than not feeling isolated or unloved. It’s also about taking the initiative to build and maintain good relationships.

Should a part of you believe that no one wants to hang out with you, counter that thought with truth. You are wonderfully created. As Psalm 139: 13-14 shares, “For you created my innermost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

You might need to repeat loving affirmations about yourself as you stand in front of a mirror to free yourself from erroneous beliefs. Until you do change your thoughts, just strike up a conversation with the cashier at the grocery store, your mail carrier or a neighbor. Take small steps to build healthy, loving relationships.

Starting Conversations

Keep starting conversations. It could be as simple as asking a question. Now, there may be instances when the person you’re speaking with brushes you off. People get in hurries. Or the person may not want to talk right now. But that doesn’t mean that everyone will respond to your efforts to engage in conversation the same way.

The more that you start conversations and connect with others in healthy ways, the more confident you may become. Before you know it, you might be considered someone who helps create good connections. You also might be regarded as a great communicator.

Feeling Less Lonely

If you struggle to start conversations, try taking an impromptu speaking course. This is what I did when I was in the military. It paid off. Years later, I was standing in front of crowds on stage delivering speeches. Another thing that I did was to agree with inner guidance that I received and started saying “Hello” to people who stepped on an elevator with me.

Admittedly, it felt awkward at first (my not thinking that the other person would want to speak with me). But I kept it up. Today, starting conversations is very easy for me. So, get started. Take the first step to build healthy in-person connections.

Reach out to family and friends regularly. For example, you could set a date twice a week when you will call friends or visit family. Don’t talk yourself out of building and strengthening healthy, loving relationships. Make connecting with others in a loving way a priority. See if you don’t feel less lonely.

Resources:

  1. https://ourworldindata.org/loneliness-epidemic
  2. https://www.verywellmind.com/loneliness-causes-effects-and-treatments-2795749

20 Ways to Connect with Book Buyers & Sell More Books

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By Books Author and Novelists Denise Turney

woman reading book in bookstore
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Book buyers are a robust team of people. They know what they like and they’re eager to jump into a good story. Check this out. In 2020 alone, print book sales in the United States surpassed 750 million units, according to Statista. Furthermore, Publishers Weekly reports that, during 2020, print book sales increased by 8.2%.1

Can You Spot A Good Thing

A lot of people know a good thing when they see it. And, little beats a very good story. In fact, it may be hard to find another entertainment form that costs so little and offers so much the way that books do.

Even better, Publisher Weekly goes on to say that, “With all major categories posting increases, unit sales of print books rose 8.2% in 2020 over 2019 at outlets that report to NPD BookScan. For the year ended Jan. 2, 2021, units hit 750.9 million, up from 693.7 million the year before.”2

Proof of the deep engagement derived from good story rests in the numbers. Not only did Statista and Publisher’s Weekly see an uptick in print book sales in 2020, they also saw a rise in ebook sales over the same time period. During 2020, in the United States alone, 191 million ebooks were purchased.

Good News For The Book Industry

That’s good news for the book industry. Lockdowns and companies turning to remote work likely had impact on the rising print book sales. That shared, it may take a while longer to determine whether or not book buyers prefer to read their books in print while they are at home. Should this be the case, brick and mortar bookstores and online book retailers might notice a drop in print book sales as larger numbers of people return to the office.

Who knows? Book buyers just might prefer to engage with e-books while they are commuting on trains, subways or while they have their mobile device hooked to a speaker system in their car as they drive to and from work.

Of course, talented authors who are passionate about their work will continue to find ways to identify, locate and connect with people who are passionate about the stories that they write. That’s not all.

Authors who believe in the stories that they write, be those stories fiction or non-fiction, will endeavor to discover new ways to find and engage with new book readers. These are people who have never read a book before. Or they might be people who have never read a novel or the genre of book that the author writes in.

Yet, that doesn’t make finding eager readers and book buyers easy. On top of that, actions that authors, book publishers and book publicists could take to connect with book buyers keep changing. The good news is that many of those book marketing changes are expanding the industry.

Working With Media Outlets

In other words, traditional ways of marketing books still yield good results. For example, authors can still generate book sales if they promote and attend book signings, particularly book signings at large festival and literary events.

And press releases can also gain traction, depending on the topic that the release is tied to. For instance, if an author hooks his press release to a major holiday or current event, the press release could get picked up by a local, regional, national or international media outlet. Authors who work these press release pick-ups the right way could see those media pickups lead to more exposure through radio and television interviews.

Ways To Connect With Book Buyers

However, book marketing actions have expanded beyond traditional book marketing pathways. Below are more traditional as well as newer ways that authors could connect with book buyers:

  1. Build a literary newsletter – Refer to The Book Lover’s Haven to find an example of a literary newsletter. The Book Lover’s Haven is a free literary newsletter that I started designing more than 15 years ago.
  2. Conduct podcast interviews – You can do these from the comfort of your home. Check out podcast directories to find podcast that focus on subjects that you write about in your books.
  3. Interview on traditional offline radio stations.
  4. Reach out to bookstores and schedule in-person book signings.
  5. Apply to have your books carried in Range to see if retailers and military stores will carry your titles.
  6. Attend book festivals and sell your books at these events.
  7. Teach a virtual writing course and spotlight your books at the virtual event.
  8. Do literary newsletter book advertising swaps with other authors.

More Ways To Connect With Book Buyers

  • Start paid advertising at online retailers that run online book ads.
  • Blog and post a link to your books in blog articles that you write.
  • Push out book marketing messages using text messages.
  • Send customized book marketing postcards to members of your target audience.
  • Post flyers about book signings and other book marketing events that you attend.
  • Take our social media ads to promote events that you’re attending.
  • Design an author website.
  • Sit on author panels at virtual and in-person literary events like writer’s conferences.
  • Start a program on an offline radio or television station. Focus on literature and mention your books at the start and end of each show.
  • Run ads on literary podcasts and other podcasts that attract your book’s target audience.
  • Make your books available in two or more formats such as print, e-books and audiobooks.
  • Perform live shows like Facebook live, etc. that center around an event in your book.

Consistency And Persistence Pay Off

There are a myriad of ways that authors, publishers and book publicists can connect with book buyers. A key is to be persistent and consistent. Social media may have proved this well. After all, it’s not enough to reach out to people once or twice a year. Instead, authors benefit when they reach out to book buyers several times a week.

It also helps when authors share valuable content and connect with readers simply to say, “Hello!”

Build Strong Book Buyer Relationships

Therefore, to deepen connections with book buyers, authors should focus on building relationships. Fortunately, several of the aforementioned book marketing actions do help to build relationships. Another good point as it regards book marketing is that readers know when an author has focused on creating a quality story.

A well written story suggest that an author respects her book readers. Whether authors see a well-crafted story as a marketing tool or not, it still stands that a quality product may be the best marketing device there is. So, start from the beginning. Write a good story. Then, start taking smart actions to market your book, finding its readers and turning them into happy book buyers.

How Women Friendships Cross Invisible Barriers

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By African American Novels Writer Denise Turney

photo of women friends sitting on orange sofa
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Women friendships demonstrate the power of love. As it is with love, the power of female friendship showcases patience, clear communication, flexibility, fun, care, empathy, sharing and deep understanding. If you’re like me, your early friendships started in childhood. Back then, it was fun, play and carefreeness that brought my friends and me together.

Impact of Early Friendships for Women

Shared interests worked like an anchor. The more fun that a girl and I had together, the stronger our friendship became. That’s how my early friendships started. For sure, that’s not how they remained.

In fact, it only took several months for those relationships that were filled with play and laughter to take on a competitiveness. Who had the latest toys? Whose doll was the coolest. After awhile, I started to wonder if a girl I’d previously considered to be my friend really was a friend. Fortunately, this only happened with one playmate.

Never will forget her. Did I ever look up to her. She seemed to have access to the best toys and technology. It was as if she lacked nothing, which is a wonderful way to journey through this world.

On the other hand, my family had a makeshift swing set in the backyard. As kids, we used an old inner tube that our dad tied to the swing set, to play on. Was it ever loads of fun. But it wasn’t new or up-to-date like my (is she really my friend?) playmate.

Adult Women Friendships Barriers

Topping it off was the fact that my playmate had perfect timing. Whenever I got a new toy, she’d stop by and ask to play with it. If I told her that she couldn’t play with the toy, she’d sulk, walk off and tell other kids not to play with me. Took me a minute to catch on to what was happening. Soon that habit created a barrier in our friendship. Before it was over, I no longer considered her a friend.

As unwanted as that experience was, it pales in comparison to barriers that adult friends may navigate. By the time you reach adulthood, you’ve heard people compare women based not only on their possessions (e.g. income, houses, cars, handbags) but also on their backgrounds. You might have even engaged in this behavior yourself.

Keep it up and you could create barriers around women based on their age, skin tone, where they were born and the languages that they speak. Although it might not look like it now, those barriers could keep you from meeting and connecting with awesome women. Those cultural barriers could prevent you from enjoying the most rewarding friendships. After all, how do you know what could become of relationships with women from different cultures you crossed paths with if you never embark on conversations with those women?

Rewarding Women Friendships

You might be passing up on rewarding friendships and not even know it. If you’re one of those fortunate women who hasn’t allowed culture to create barriers between you and other women, you know the blessings inherent in honest, open friendships that are anchored in love.

Additionally, you know how much you’ve learned about your friend’s culture, native language, family traditions, cultural celebrations, festive foods and more. Another thing that you might gain as you develop friendships that cross cultures is never-before-known ways to connect with your parents, children or partner. Other things that you might learn are ways to reduce or eliminate stress, balance work and the pursuit of your passions as you continue to learn.

What Women Friendships Gift You With

What you might not know is just how great an investment you’re making, not only in your friends, but also in yourself. For starters, the power of female friendship gives you a sense of belonging. There’s no way to put a price on the knowledge that you belong. That’s what women friendships gift you with. Other blessings to be gained from getting to know a woman and developing a real friendship include:

  • Lower stress
  • Strengthen emotional intelligence
  • Improve emotional and psychological coping skills
  • Support to establish healthy mental and physical fitness
  • Springboard to bounce ideas off of, particularly ideas on how to improve close personal relationships
  • Comfort while letting go of toxic relationships

The power of women friendships may never be fully known. Women friends build strong bonds. They sit and simply listen to each other during periods of grief. Should a woman experience setbacks, broken romantic relationships or start to believe that her life isn’t worth much, her friend will step in and fill those gaps.

Missing Your Best Friend

If you’ve ever been a friend, you know how easy it is to go thru a gamut of emotions and experiences with a buddy; you also know how much you want to be there for your friend. No one has to twist your arm or beg you to call or visit your friend. Also, you don’t have to be coerced to come up with the best ideas for having fun.

What you might not know is how many friends you could have had. Even if you’re open, steer clear of cultural divisions. If not, you could keep yourself from what could become the best friendship of your life. During hard times, you could experience a period of hopelessness that you wouldn’t have had to endure had you developed more culturally rich women friendships.

Enrich Your Life With Good Friends

To enrich your life with the power of women friendships, consider seeing women as an allay instead of as a competitor. Do this at home, work and school. Gift yourself with the opportunity to develop friendships with women whose cultural background is different from yours. Doing so could open you up to new ways of experiencing life.

Additionally, there might be a multi-pronged advantage to this. Not only could you build powerful adult friendships. You might demonstrate the blessings of developing relationships that cross invisible barriers for your children and extended family. Pull this off and your extended family could start crossing cultural aisles and finding friends they’d never have met.

How To Support a Grieving Friend

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Books Author Denise Turney

grieving women hugging each other
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Surviving the loss of a loved one is powerfully emotional. It leaves you changed. Try as you may, you can’t fully bounce back the way you used to be. It helps to have a good friend, someone who knows you and will just be there for you, their grieving friend. But how do you learn to help a friend who’s grieving?

When You’re Experiencing a Similar Loss

It’s hard to experience grief alone. Yet, there are times, such as major pandemics and large-scale job layoffs, when you may grieve with large numbers of people.

During times when you’re experiencing a similar loss with large numbers of people, you may not feel the full impact of the loss right away. In fact, you might delay grief, postponing the inevitable. Do that and you could get stuck, not to mention feel alone when you have no choice except to look at the loss.

Go through this once, and you may never forget the importance of grieving instead of repressing. Furthermore, you might not forget the importance of grieving as soon as a loss occurs. Another thing that you won’t forget is how deep the pain associated with grief can dig. It might not make a lot of sense now, but this combination could prepare you to help a grieving friend in the future.

Struggling In Awkward Silence

Even if you don’t want to, you might struggle in awkward silence when you’re around your grieving friend. You might not know what to say. You might not know what to do. Fortunately, if you really want to help, there are ways you can make it easier for your grieving friend to heal.

One of the best things you can do is to simply sit with your grieving friend and listen. As tempting as it may be, avoid offering advice. Even more, it might be good to postpone giving words of encouragement. Just be there and listen.

This is because, as good as your intentions might be, nothing that you say may help to heal your friend’s pain right now. During highly emotional times, the best words could be received as uncaring, cold or dismissive. I experienced this after my son transitioned.

When People Don’t Want You To Change

Despite people’s intentions, much of what they said felt dismissive. On top of that, I knew that the people talking with me had not experienced the loss that I had, except for one friend who’d years earlier lost a son. Also, some things that some friends said came across as if they wanted me to act as if nothing had changed. They didn’t want to see me changed.

When this happens, you could be tempted to try to push or rush your friend through grieving. Another thing to remember is that each person grieves differently. Here’s another way that you could help a grieving friend.

Steer clear of telling your friend that she or he is “doing good” while dealing with the loss. Not only does this sound judgmental (as if you’re judging how close your friend is reacting to how you think she or he should react), it sends the message that there’s a certain way to grieve.

Journaling Helps

You may have heard someone who’s trying to encourage a grieving friend say, “you’re doing good” or “you’re strong” if the grieving friend doesn’t cry at all or doesn’t cry much. This could be a sign that the speaker doesn’t want to deal with changes grief can bring. It’s as if the person is saying, “You’re doing good at not making me deal with this loss much.”

Try to avoid this approach.

Instead, sit with your friend, even if you sit in silence. Another thing you can do is to gift your friend with a journal. Writing in a journal is a good way for your friend to express what’s she’s feeling and thinking. Journaling as a practice, is a good way to work through hard emotions and troubling experiences. Admittedly, it sounds simple. But it works.

You could also gift your friend with a daily devotional that includes personal writings from people who’ve felt the sting of loss. Some devotionals start with a quote or scripture, followed by the personal write-up.

Experiencing Difficult Losses

Because the devotional’s contributors have experienced difficult losses, your grieving friend might feel like he’s hearing from someone who knows and cares as he reads the book.

Gifting your friend with the freedom to weep is another way to support your friend. At some point, your friend might want to talk with you about the loss. The more they open up and talk, the more they might cry. They might also want to hear you speak their loved one’s name, showing that you want to remember and acknowledge that the person had been here.

If your friend’s loss is marital or job related, your friend might want to share uncomfortable emotions like anger, frustration and loss of hope.

You’re a Blessing

Ask your friend if it’s okay for you to visit. Should your friend start to isolate, consider stopping by her home or treating her to lunch.

Offering to cook, walk a pet, babysit or do another chore could prove beneficial. As good as in-person visits are, so too are regular telephone conversations. By your actions, let your friend know that you are there for her and want to support her.

And continue to understand grief. As a start, you could familiarize yourself with the grieving process (remembering that not everyone goes through the stages the same). Steer clear of quoting scriptures and trying to push your grieving friend toward thinking or feeling a certain way. All in all, if you’re a sincere friend, your grieving friend will likely appreciate you just being there.

How Children’s Books Open Healthy Family Communication

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By Books Author Denise Turney

young girl and boy having fun reading books under tent
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The best children’s books dig into real-world topics. That wasn’t always the case. Years ago, children’s books were limited to covering light-hearted topics like farm life, welcoming a baby sibling into the family and making new friends at school. Children’s book authors steered clear of deeper social issues. Today’s shift toward tackling more realistic issues could help prepare kids for the real-world. It also opens dialogue for parents and children to engage in healthy family communication.

Children’s Books Tackling Important Life Issues

For example, as a parent, when you ask your child what they honestly feel about school, sharing experiences you may have had with bullying, poor grades or awkwardness, you can open a window of healthy dialogue. Reading children’s books about bullying or a character who’s struggling to fit in at school could also encourage your child to tell you what’s going on with them at school.

You could learn about something that’s been worrying your child simply by discussing a central theme in a children’s book. Even better, to reduce the likelihood that your child might feel as if she’s being probed, you could ask her how she feels about what happened to a character in a novel, lowering your child’s desire to conceal what’s really going on in effort to avoid judgment or embarrassment.

Read out loud to your child and you could do more than encourage literacy. You could introduce your child to characters who help build confidence and celebrate your child’s uniqueness.

Children’s Books That Speak to a Child’s Core

For instance, your child might be drawn to confident, creative children’s book characters like Pippi Longstocking, Matilda Wormwood, Paddington Bear, Arthur, Big Nate or Rosetta Blay. Or they might gobble up books written by authors like Judy Blume, Christopher Paul Curtis, Mildred Taylor, Tetsuko Kuroyanagi or Jacqueline Woodson.

Experiences characters in these and other children’s books have are timeless, making these books great family communication tools. Talk with your child about books he reads and you might learn a lot yourself, a lot about the characters, storylines and a lot about your child.

Living with an aging grandparent, caring for a pet, moving to a new country, dealing with rejection and facing a fear are open conversations you and your child could end up having, simply because you stopped to talk about a book your child was reading.

Children’s Books Relevant Topics

Who knows? You might start turning to children’s books as a way to start a healthy discussion with your child. Fortunately, the best children’s books cover relevant topics such as living in a blended family (with stepparents and stepbrothers and sisters) and living as an only child in a big city. Other relevant topics authors are taking on include:

  • Futuristic landscapes that stimulate imagination, offering entertainment and fun discussion
  • Fantasy stories that probe real life situations. An example is the classic Alice In Wonderland.
  • Competitiveness, self-esteem and confidence cocooned in an exciting adventure story. This may be one of the more popular forms of children’s books.
  • Important social issues that could be happening in a child’s life right now. Examples include books with young characters who are adjusting to their parents divorcing or getting remarried. Immigrating to another country, confronting bullying, accepting one’s body and stepping into leadership roles.

Enriching Reading Practice

As you talk with your child about books she reads, she might feel more valued and included. This could encourage more conversation.

Support reading and healthy family communication by choosing books that entertain and enlighten. Also, let your child choose books that he wants to read on his own.

Another thing – as your child ages, consider presenting him with more text-based stories. And keep learning and growing with your child. After all, that’s what the best children’s books are about – learning, growing and healthy, rewarding relationships, the types of relationships that encourage open healthy dialogue.