Other than the father and son relationship, no other relationship may be as acrimonious as the relationship a daughter has with her mother. An observer watching a mother and daughter communicate and relate with each mother might think that the two women are enemies. It might seem impossible to believe that the two women live beneath the same roof, share the same blood line.
Calling a truce with your mother
If mothers have unresolved issues with their own mothers, they might carry these unresolved issues into relationships they build with their own daughters. In fact, these unresolved issues could start to reveal themselves while daughters are young, well before the teenage years.
For example, mothers might try to keep their daughters from experiencing similar disappointments that they felt when they were their age. This could cause mothers to become critical of their daughters. Mothers might comment on their daughters’ new hairstyles or outfits, offering their disapproval as a way to encourage their daughters to always look their best so they don’t get teased, sneered at or talked about the way mothers did when they were younger.
Let this keep up and daughters might feel as if their mothers see them as failures, as if they are incapable of making smart decisions on their own. Wall Street Journal reporter, Elizabeth Bernstein says that due to the constant input from their mothers, “Daughters, meanwhile, tend to be very sensitive to mom’s input. They think she is being rude or doesn’t respect them as an adult. Underneath, they fear they’ve failed the one person they have been seeking approval from since before they could speak.”
Furthermore, “A natural break should occur between adolescence and adulthood, where the mother allows her daughter to grow up and make her own decisions. Some mothers, however, have trouble letting go.” To start letting go, mothers can set ground rules around things like dating and going to concerts. While setting these ground rules, they can ask their daughters for input.
Daughters can speak up for themselves when they are right or when a decision they make is truly up to them. If the two become angry, they can take several deep breaths and honestly discuss why they are angry, without placing blame. It also helps if mothers talk about their own childhoods and difficulties they may have had relating to their own mothers. Both should avoid trying to hurt or compete with each other. Lying is another practice that should be removed from the relationship. Mothers and daughters will also benefit from regularly focusing on attributes they appreciate about each other.
Thank you for reading my blog. To learn what happens to Raymond, Brenda and the other characters in my new book, Love Pour Over Me, hop over to Amazon.com, B&N.com, Ebookit.com, or any other online or offline bookseller and get your copy of Love Pour Over Me today. And again I say – Thank You! Consider Love.