Are you choosing bad relationships over real love?

By Denise Turney

It’s no secret. Everyone wants to receive and to give love. Our childhood experiences can create fear in us as it regards love. Grow up with a parent who exhibits unpredictable behavior, particularly dangerous or abusive behavior, and we could come to believe that we must be on guard all the time, even putting up inner alarms against closeness.

Why are you afraid of love?

Unwanted endings like relationship breakups and stagnation can also create fear in us regarding love. Before long, we’re guarding ourselves against real intimacy. We can also guard against closeness, including closeness with a good friend.

Think of it this way. If every time you walked through a red and purple gate in a neighborhood in New York City you were bit by a dog, there’s a strong likelihood that you would eventually feel anxious and afraid as you neared any red and purple gate, regardless of the city or the neighborhood that the gate was in.

The thing is that, despite your fear and your dedication to avoiding closeness, you want to receive and to give love. Every living being wants to receive and to give love. It is how we are created. If we are extensions of love itself, what else could we want?

For safety’s sake, we may make and feel intensely attracted to a substitute for love. Result of this could be an intense attraction for dysfunctional relationships. Drs. Mark Borg, Jr., Grant Brenner and Daniel Berry discuss this phenomenon with me on Off The Shelf book radio. It’s a topic that continues to attract interest from psychologists, counselors, couples and singles.

Head down the right road this time

And no wonder. We want to know why we keep feeling intensely strong emotions (like the wrong relationship is absolutely right) for the relationship that won’t help us to grow and experience love. You guessed it! Our fear is actually taking us down twists and turns, in effort to protect us, that will keep us from real love, the very thing that we need to be healthy, balanced, joyous and thriving.

Signs that you might be headed for the wrong relationship start with you thinking that someone is perfect. Another sign is thinking that someone will complete you and make you feel happier. When we expect too much from another person, we do not know ourselves. We feel that we are lacking, an erroneous belief that sets us on a path to find someone who has what we think we are lacking.

When the person doesn’t live up to our expectations, we may feel cheated, angry, frustrated, sad, depressed and — once again, cheated. As Drs. Mark Borg, Jr., Grant Brenner and Daniel Berry share on Off The Shelf book radio, we actually set ourselves up for this trap, a trap that we may not even realize that we have stepped into until we’re months or years into a relationship.

We may not choose our parents, but, we can choose to do the inner work and stop replaying the script for childhood dysfunctional relationships. It beats staying in a stagnant relationship, putting up with abuse or running and hiding from closeness and love. These are just a few of the lessons that Raymond Clarke and Brenda, the love of Raymond’s life, learn in my latest book, Love Pour Over Me.

As we start our journey into a new year, commit to doing the work to awaken more. Start to recognize when you are running and hiding from closeness, real intimacy and healthy relationships. Do the work to remove any fears that you have of love and watch your attractions change, setting you up for real, healthy love relationships.

**Thank you for hanging out with me. Keep up with track and field, drag racing and the wonderful world of books by visiting my blog often. Grab your copy of Love Pour Over Me at https://www.ebookit.com/books/0000001582/Love-Pour-Over-Me.html or http://www.amazon.com/Love-Pour-Over-Me-ebook/dp/B007MC0Z2C or http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/love-pour-over-me-denise-turney/1109600654

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